I want to be a better parent than my mother was – but I’m failing

The correct title for this article should read, “I want to be a better parent than my mother was – but I’m failing… and it’s not my fault.”

The Guardian article by Annalisa Barbieri, demonstrates the challenge all parents face in raising their children. Beyond being an abusive or overly delinquent towards your children, there is a true limitation to knowing what is the correct way to guide our offspring. Just because you love your child doesn’t mean you are raising them correctly.

Annalisa writes, “There’s nothing like parenting to open your eyes to how you were parented, and I’ve discovered that I have an avoidant attachment style.

“As a mother of two, I know I’m passing on the damaging legacy of being emotionally distant. I push my older child away, keeping them at arm’s length. With the youngest, who is still a baby, it’s completely different: I know they are securely attached to me … for now, at least. My husband has said he is struggling with me “closing him down” when he tries to tell me his feelings. He is right. I do it with him and my child. If they come to me with a problem, I immediately downplay it.”

When I read things of this nature, my mind thinks that this is a classic situation of a mother with an open (receiving) emotional system. Perhaps the older child and the father have defined (putting out) emotional system and the baby is like mom. Open emotional individuals take in the emotions the defined one’s.

Half the world puts out emotions and the other half take them in. People receiving them amplified and end having a distorted way of expressing them back out. This creates nervousness in the body. The nervousness is a fear based reaction and can result in wanting to avoid it. Annalisa is not at fault for experiencing it this way. Potentially, being more aware of this dynamic and being able to see it may lead to acceptance. It won’t change in how it feels, just how she sees it. Over time, with enough experience, she won’t blame herself or others for making her feel that way. Being more aware of the source of those feelings allows separation and a powerful education in not taking any of it personally.